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Better Off Dead
In this life their are certain truths. First, if your prom night was the single greatest moment of your life you are destined to spend the remainder of that life working at Denny's. Second, there is a direct cause and effect relationship between ingesting lead paint as a youth and future political aspirations. And lastly, you, me, Dick Clark; we will all eventually die. (Unless, of course, your an old soldier, in which case you'll just fade away.) Working with this premise we, with Kudos to Murphy Brown, have created the Better Off Dead Party.
Birthdays, if you'll pardon the expression, have been done to the death. The Better Off Dead Party celebrates the fact that the honoree is, with the passing of his or her birthday, one step closer to becoming little more than so much carbon 14. Instead of wine and roses it's Hemlock and crab grass. "Better..." is the perfect birthday party for someone constantly fretting about getting old. Who knows, perhaps the birthday boy or girl will get the joke and lighten up. Either that or they'll hate you forever.
In order to throw a Better Off Dead Party it is important to understand that this gathering is not a Halloween party. Do have the Grim Reaper deliver a cake shaped and colored as a tombstone. Do not put carved pumpkins on your front step. It is the difference between your birthday buddy saying "Wow, a Better Off Dead Party" or "Why have you thrown a Halloween party for my birthday. You never loved me."
So what to do? The location of the proceeding should have a funeral home feel. Nice, but tacky. Guests should wear black, veils being a nice touch, and the guest of honor should only be spoken of in the past tense. "He was" as opposed to "He is."
Once everyone has arrived the host should begin the festivities. With the special guest seated in the closest thing you can find to a throne, inform the room that this is a funeral for so-so and all wishing to eulogize the deceased should do so now. Be harsh, think of it as a celebrity roast, and be sure all guests who wish to say their piece say it. Remember, after each guest raps up their eulogy they should say a few kind words and if they have a gift to give, now is the time. This is imperative to a successful party, the birthday boy or girl must have some fun for a demoralizing, humiliating birthday is hardly a birthday at all. So let everyone know this when invitations are handed out. Games and socializing can take place before and after the eulogies. Be creative with the theme and don't forget the tombstone cake.
Music: Before the eulogies, stick with chamber music. After, stick with whatever floats your boat. This is a party after all.
Food & Drink: Appetizer finger food. Wine and Mixed drinks. No cheap beer or "Boat" drinks. Show some respect.
Dress: Black
Underwear: Black silk Boxers or panties if possible. Nothing tacky...remember, this is a funeral.
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