Heaven and Hell

The concept of Heaven and Hell, Saint Peter's gate and the devil's horns, seem to be lost on this generation. Heaven is chocolate Bon Bons and a Dick Van Dyke Marathon, while Hell is 2:00 AM in Detroit with a busted distributor cap. We cannot find fault with this loss of biblical idealism. Whom can blame the masses in an era where Jimmy Swaggert gets more press than Mother Theresa, and the Pope must be shuttled about in some sort of a neo-militeristic, anti-tank "Pope mobile." However, our intent is not to bore you with a running soliloquy on the state of mankind, all be it one cut short by a stingy editor in a horrific beige polyester suite, but one of a far more trivial purpose. With that said we present to you the Heaven and Hell Party, a party that has about as much do with God as Jimmy Swaggert and the "Pope mobile" combined.

The concept is quite simple. Guests will begin their evening in the depths of Hell, (If Hell is unavailable your basement will do) where they will be forced to imbibe sinful concoctions and carry out wonderfully dreadfultasks which, upon completion, will allow them access into purgatory and a healthier lifestyle. The same ritual will be followed in purgatory, a sort of warm and fuzzy probationary hell for those of you who skipped Sunday school or had the good sense to see most organized religion as a money making racket not unlike major league baseball. Things in purgatory aren't so bad and before you know it you're on to Heaven, which is like living in the Virgin Islands or never having to shave.

As your guests arrive, one of the hosts, dressed appropriately enough as Lucifer himself, should introduce himself and lead them directly down to the basement to begin their stay in Hell. To expedite this process guests should only be allowed to enter the festivities through a previously chosen entrance. An entry way leading directly into the basement is preferable. Once inside guests will be free to roam about the room. However, before they are allowed to leave they must finish each of the required tasks. Such tasks can include, but need not be limited to;

  • Shot gunning or funneling some sort of cheap, hideous beer
  • Doing a shot of $5.00 a gallon Tequila
  • Ingesting the back wash of a fellow party goer
  • Licking a toad.
Each of these tasks, once completed, must be verified by the devil in command through the use of a color marker. The number of marks will coincide with the number of activities required in hell. The host may also wish to make other undesirable beverages available to guests in Hell and force them to remain in the inferno, doing penance for their sins, for a predetermined amount of time. Say a half an hour. This can be accomplished by writing the time a person arrives on their wrist when they enter the party. If this is the case, Lucifer should make sure guests have a beverage in hand at all times. And by the way, there are no chairs in Hell.

Once a guest is allowed to leave Hell, they venture up the stairs to the first floor of the house. This is purgatory. We are not aware of any biblical figure who guards over this domain. In fire and brimstone terms such an occupation would be commensurate to being the night manger of an all you can eat "Dairy Queen". This being the case, any wishy washy figure can play as host for this segment of the festivities. May we suggest Andy Rooney if he is available for the gig. Things in "limbo land" will be conducted in the same manner as things in Hell. The three differences are that the host's pen is a different color, chairs, although not to comfy', do exist, and lastly, life ain't so unbearable. The beer should be of the domestic conglomerate ilk, i.e.. Budweiser or Coors, the liquor passable, and the tasks more annoying than unbearable. Once again the host must check for the completion of all assigned duties before guests are allowed to pass through the pearly gates, onward and upward to cloud nine.

Heaven should be just that. Big fluffy chairs and couches, imported brew and tasty concoctions. Women running about wearing nothing but... well no. There are no rules once you get your wings and guests can now relax and enjoy themselves until they leave or pass out. The Heaven and Hell Party is a journey of sorts. Hopefully you'll find the rough ride to Heaven more than worth the trouble.

Then again, $5.00 Tequila is one hell of a way to forget an evening or two.

Music: Polka in Hell, Oldies in limbo and anything that doesn't suck in Heaven

Food: Milk Bones in Hell, McNuggets in Purgatory, and Caviar in Heaven, well at least anything that doesn't suck.

Drink: The cheapest beer and even cheaper liquor (i.e.. Night Train) in Hell. A somewhat decent domestic beer and generic liquor in Purgatory. The best of everything, Guinness and Dom Parigon in Heaven. All right, maybe not that good, but the best you can afford.

Dress: It's going to be a long journey from the depths of Hell, hiking boots are not necessary but comfortable clothing certainly is.

Location: Any house with a basement, a first floor, and a floor on top of that.

Underwear: Be creative. A burlap sack for Hell, Purple briefs for Purgatory and Silk Boxers for Heaven

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