Top 25 Bar Jokes and Druken Stories
DRUNK HUSBAND
Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering
hole. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home, well
inebriated, around midnight each night.
He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole, and
getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the
door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at
him, for his con
FREE BEER
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over
the bar: FREE BEER FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST!
So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
Bartender: "Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of
pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face
while doing it. SECOND, there's a 'gator out back with a sore
tooth...you
SIGNS YOU ARE DRUNK
SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK:
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be
FREE DRINKS FOR EVERYONE
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a
drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink,
pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for
$57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws
him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into th
A DRUNK GETS UP FROM THE BAR
A DRUNK GETS UP FROM THE BAR AND HEADS FOR THE BATHROOM.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A LOUD, BLOOD-CURDLING SCREAM IS HEARD COMING FROM THE BATHROOM. A FEW MINUTES AFTER THAT, ANOTHER LOUD SCREAM REVERBERATES THROUGH THE BAR.
THE BARTENDER GOES INTO THE BATHROOM TO INVESTIGATE WHAT THE DRUNK IS SCREAMING ABOUT. "WHAT'S ALL THE SCREAMING ABOUT IN THERE? YOU'RE SCARING MY CUSTOMERS!" "I'M JUST SITTING
An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night
An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his ho
Drunk Test
Drunk Test
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
STOCK PRICES AND BEER
Something to think about...
If you bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.
$1000 worth of Broadvision is now worth $22.
$1000 worth of JDSU is now worth $52.
$1000 worth of Merrill's B2B Holders is now worth $52.
Now consider this:
If you bought $1000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the c
Drunk in the Bathroom
Drunk in the Bathroom
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A
few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from
the
bathroom. A few minutes after that, another
loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes
into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there? You're s
A drunken man staggered in to a Catholic church
A drunken man staggered in to a Catholic church and sat down in
the confession box, but said nothing. The bewildered priest coughed to
attract his attention, but still the man said nothing. The priest then
knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to
speak. Finally, the drunk replied, "No use knockin' mate, there ain't no
paper in this one either."
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!" <
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he
announces his wife has just produced "a typical Texas baby boy
weighing 20 pounds." Congratulations shower him from all around,
and many exclamations of "Wow!" are heard. A woman faints due to
sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say,
you're the father of the typical Texas baby th
NEW YORK DRUNK
This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in
New York. It looks like a nice place and he takes aseat at the bar next to
another guy.
"This is a nice place, I've never been here", the first guy says.
"Oh really?", the other replies, "it's also a very special bar".
"Why is that?", the first guy asks.
"Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van
DRINK FAST
A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me
twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!"
The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as
fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had
what I have."
The bartender says, "Oh my God! What is it? What do you ha
ALL BEER DIET
> THE "BEER ME" DIET
>
>
> FACT: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is almost
> all water, and the part that isn't water is almost pure
> carbohydrates.
>
> FACT: The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake of
> 1,200 calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose
the
> m
Drinkin Buddies
Drinkin Buddies
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.
Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathr
DRINKS FOR TRICKS
A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The
bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."
The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show
you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."
"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket
Water to Wine
Water to Wine
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "
BRAIN CELLS AND BEER
The Buffalo Theory
------------------
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest
buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and
weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps
improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much th
IRISH DRINKER
_____________________________________________________________
An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender
finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up
to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more
time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some
fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and fal
DRUNKENESS STAGES EXPLAINED
5 Stages of drunkenness
Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert
on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know
everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who
will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of
course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This
makes for an interesting argument when both parties
DRINKS
NEW MIXED DRINKS CONTEST WINNERS
With no further ado, here the names are, in alphabetical
order. Which one do you think was THE winner?
Absolut Zero.............Absolut vodka over frozen nitrogen
Alexander the Grrreat....Gin, creme de cacao, and sweet cream over corn flakes
American in Paris........Kentucky bourbon and champagne
Black Sabbath............Kahlua and Mogen David wine
Blind Fait
Beer
I bought you a beer.
TROUBLESHOOTING YOUR BEER
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Ge
TO ALL THE DRUNK WOMEN, YOU KNOW IT'S TIME
TO GO HOME WHEN ...
You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies
room.
You've been flashing your boobs at passers by.
You mistake a police car for a cab and shout obscenities when it doesn't
stop for you.
You drop your 3:00 a.m. burger on the floor, pick it up and carry on
eating.
You start crying.
There are